We Need to talk.

In its single, Talk, the band Cold Play presents a wise solution to improve communication. One reviewer notes, “Misunderstandings between people are inevitable. However, for the conflict to not blow out of proportion, it is important to talk. Cold Play uses this beautiful single to tell people that when things are getting blurry, the two parties must halt and take a breather.”

Oh brother, I can't, I can't get through
I've been trying hard to reach you 'cause I don' know what to do
Oh brother, I can't believe it's true
I'm so scared about the future, and I wanna talk to you
Oh, I wanna talk to you

As a communications professional I’ve seen the damage that a lack of communication or bad communication can have on a business. Executive Coach and Author Lynn Carnes, who is an expert on navigating difficult conversations gives this priceless advice in her book:

You are not required to respond to any high stress or difficult situation immediately. We practice the pause.

The Issue

It sounds so simple, but this statement rang so monumentally true to me at a time when I was dealing with a communications issue in my company.  An employee was getting unclear direction from his immediate supervisor and came to me to discuss. Tom explained that his immediate supervisor was very new to the position and inexperienced in a high-level role. Their interactions were laced with tension, and he said, the supervisor, Jill, seemed to operate from a proving mindset.  Tom had been with the company for some time and explained that despite his attempts to be helpful (not a threat) to Jill, she maintained an unauthentic approach going from best friends to the hard boss as unpredictably as the weather.

Although Tom was empathic to Jill’s situation, it made for a very taxing workday and began affecting his ability to accomplish the work to the level he had set. Inconsistent policy implementation, broken channels of communication, and lack of accountability had become the norm.

I recommended Tom request a meeting with Jill to discuss, but prior to that, we worked on some solutions to the issues themselves. We discussed how to present and kept the focus on presenting the problems, identifying their impact on the company and his job, and finishing with the solutions. We used the emotional energy of his frustration to channel it into creating a more productive conversation.

After a few attempts Tom was able to set a meeting with Jill and was optimistic for a positive exchange of presenting the issues, suggesting the solutions, and resolving it.

 Great communication starts when we realize that we are not responsible nor required to defend ourselves based on the misconceptions or wrong assumptions of others, regardless of the position they hold.

What happened was completely unexpected, Tom was entirely thrown off balance. “I wouldn’t be surprised if my mouth dropped open and hung in shock,” he shared afterward. Instead of addressing Tom’s concerns, Jill proceeded to present a laundry list of infractions using a carefully written flip chart (no wonder it took almost two weeks to schedule, Tom thought) and accusing him of the very things he wanted to bring up. None of these infractions had even been mentioned to Tom or brought up in their weekly meetings.

That’s where that advice from Lynn Carnes that I shared with Tom before the meeting came in handy! As much as he wanted to, he refrained from reacting and focused on the validity of the offenses. He waited until Jill had finished and then calmly addressed each one of the items. Because each infraction (there was one legit for which he took responsibility) was an incorrect assumption based on lack of communication, he was able to clarify with truth what Jill had assumed was intentional negative actions.

The Takeaway

As Cold Play advises lyrically, we need to talk, especially in our work. Without clear and intentional communication, we are left making assumptions that are untrue most of the time.

Great communication starts when we realize that we are not responsible nor required to defend ourselves based on the misconceptions or wrong assumptions of others, regardless of the position they hold. By sharing this with Tom, he was able to pause, breathe, and respond to the issue, NOT the emotion. We can maintain empathy and respect for the other person and not perceive it or receive it as a personal attack—even if that is how it was intended. We don’t have to participate in or perpetuate a toxic environment.

 We can maintain empathy and respect for the other person and not perceive it or receive it as a personal attack—even if that is how it was intended.

Tom was able to use the situation as an example of how lack of communication can lead to problems that aren’t there and present solutions. What could have been a heated exchange with a potentially negative outcome, resulted in the implementation of a communication system, clarification of accountability, and better results.

If you’re looking to improve your team’s communication, Let’s TALK!